Top 10 Email Marketing Tips for Marketers Who Hate Their CEOs

We don’t go into details, why do you hate your CEO. Maybe you just hate your job? In both of these cases – we are here to help. Stick to these advices, ruin even the best-planned email campaign like a boss and watch the world burn!

1. Talk too much!

Who needs brevity and clarity? In the world of email marketing, the longer, the better, right? Go ahead, write a novel in your subject line and cram your message with as many words as possible. Your subscribers have all the time in the world to decipher your cryptic messages.

For Boring Chumps: If you want to keep your job and maintain some semblance of professionalism, consider brevity. Effective email marketing requires concise and engaging communication. Craft your subject lines and email content to be clear, compelling, and to the point. Your subscribers will appreciate not having to sift through a digital novel to find your message.

2. Talk too little!

On the flip side, why bother explaining your offer when you can just send emails with one-word subject lines like “Sale!” or “Discount!” Let your subscribers use their psychic powers to figure out what you’re offering. Mystery keeps things exciting, right?

In Case You Want to Keep This Stupid Job: While a mysterious subject line can pique curiosity, don’t leave your subscribers hanging. Strike a balance by keeping your subject lines intriguing but informative. Your emails should provide enough information to entice readers to open and engage with your content without feeling frustrated or confused.

3. Be overly promotional!

Subtlety is overrated. Make sure your email reads like one giant, screaming sales pitch. Bombard your subscribers with endless offers, discounts, and buy-now buttons. Who needs informative content when you can just shout “Buy, buy, buy!” from the digital rooftops?

For Those Who Prefer Job Security: Effective email marketing involves a mix of value-driven content and promotional messages. Focus on delivering valuable information, solving problems, and building relationships with your subscribers. Your campaigns will perform better when they strike the right balance between promotion and providing genuine value.

4. Skip the testing!

Why waste time testing your email campaigns when you can just send them out and hope for the best? Don’t bother with A/B testing, subject line optimization, or checking for broken links. It’s much more fun to let your subscribers discover the mistakes for you.

In Case You Want to Keep Your Sanity: Testing is your best friend in email marketing. Invest time in A/B testing subject lines, email content, and design elements. Analyze the data to refine your approach over time. This way, you’ll avoid the dreaded feeling of hitting ‘send’ and then discovering a glaring mistake in your email.

5. Forget the CTA!

Calls to action are so passé. Who needs clear instructions on what to do next? Just leave your emails without any links or buttons, and let your subscribers figure out how to convert on their own. It’s like a puzzle!

For Those Who Value Conversion Rates: Clear and compelling calls to action (CTAs) are essential. Make sure your emails guide subscribers on what to do next, whether it’s making a purchase, signing up, or downloading. Well-placed CTAs improve your email’s effectiveness and conversion rates, ensuring your marketing efforts don’t go to waste.

6. Underdesign!

A sleek and visually appealing email template? Nah, just go with plain text and zero formatting. Who needs images, colors, or branding when you can send an email that looks like it was typed on a vintage typewriter?

In Case You Want to Keep a Professional Image: While plain text emails can work for some messages, a well-designed email template is often more appealing. Incorporate your brand’s visuals, use clear formatting, and include images where appropriate. A professional-looking email helps build trust and reinforces your brand identity.

7. Overdesign!

On the other hand, you could go completely overboard with design. Fill your email with flashy animations, neon colors, and glittering GIFs that distract from your message. Who cares if it gives your subscribers a headache? At least they won’t forget your email anytime soon.

For Those Who Want to Keep Subscribers’ Eyes on the Prize: Design elements can enhance your email’s appeal, but moderation is key. Use visuals and animations sparingly to support your message, not overshadow it. A cluttered design can distract and annoy your subscribers. Keep it visually appealing without overwhelming your audience.

8. Treat all contacts the same!

Personalization is for chumps. Send the same generic email to your entire list, whether they’ve been loyal customers for years or just signed up yesterday. Why bother tailoring your message when you can save time with a one-size-fits-all approach?

For Those Who Want to Improve Engagement: Segment your email list, at least based on subscriber behavior, preferences, and demographics. But to fare even better, apply hypersegmentation. Tailor your messaging to different segments to make your emails more relevant and engaging. Personalization can significantly boost open and click-through rates, leading to better campaign performance.

9. Send without permission!

Who needs consent when you can send unsolicited emails to anyone and everyone? Buy a list of random email addresses and hit ‘send’ without a second thought. After all, the more people you annoy, the better, right?

In Case You Want to Avoid Legal Trouble: Always obtain consent before sending marketing emails. Comply with privacy regulations like GDPR or CAN-SPAM. Building an opt-in list of subscribers who genuinely want to hear from you ensures a higher-quality audience and reduces the risk of being labeled as a spammer.

10. Be boring!

Lastly, make sure your emails are as dull as possible. Avoid any humor, creativity, or engaging content. Stick to corporate jargon and buzzwords that put your subscribers to sleep. The more yawns, the better!

For Those Who Want to Keep Your Subscribers Awake: Inject personality and creativity into your emails. Share stories, use humor, and create engaging content that resonates with your audience. Remember, your subscribers are real people who appreciate content that entertains and informs. Be a brand they look forward to hearing from, not one they instantly forget.

Enjoy the chaos!

So, there you have it, the ultimate guide to sabotaging your email marketing campaign. Follow these tips faithfully, and you’ll be well on your way to irritating your subscribers, alienating your CEO, and ensuring that your marketing efforts go up in flames. Enjoy the chaos!